Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Yes, Everyone...

...it's rant time again. My current rant is against frozen margaritas.


I don't even know why I do it, but every once in a while I read Metromix, Chicago's home for the banality of the mouth breathing masses and the "Beer Garden Guys," the "Margarita Mamas," and the latest creatively-titled "review crew," the "Beer Garden Guides." Anyway, one of today's articles, "Feelin' Salty" (it's true, complete with the oft-used vernacular, "Feelin'") was about how to score a good deal on a margarita or rather, "5 Margaritas to Rock Your Week." YES, that's actually the title of the article. Ya' know, 'cuz 'itas have ice, and it's summer lovin' time n'all.

The article covered five different restaurants, each offering a different margarita special. It pained me to see that of those five, four of them featured frozen or flavored margaritas.

Props to one of my favorite restaurants, the tasteful, delicious Zocalo, for featuring a real margarita, that is 100% agave blanco tequila up, with triple sec and fresh lime joice.

I don't know what idiot decided that frozen margaritas were acceptable, but this must be the same person who created Captain and Cokes.

I have many problems with the frozen margarita. Allow me to list them one by one.

(1) As a lover of cocktails, I must say, A FROZEN MARGARITA IS NOT A COCKTAIL. It is, however, a sweet, syrupy concoction made mostly of margarita mix, which itself is mostly corn syrup or sugar and food coloring, and really, really bad tequila. You'd be lucky if it's Jose Cuervo, but it is likely Jose's Undistilled, Cheap, Low-Grade Tequila That Probably Is About 10% Tequila and 90% Additives/Grain Alcohol for $5.99 a bottle. This is the same tequila that makes people say, "Oh, tequila. WHOA. Gross. No thanks. I had a bad experience with tequila in college. Never again." Etc. Yes, well, doing 8 shots of Jose's Undistilled, Cheap, Low-Grade Tequila That Probably Is About 10% Tequila and 90% Additives/Grain Alcohol will do that to you. RUBES.

(2) Secondly, it is generally women who proclaim to love margaritas, i.e., "Girls night! Whoo-hoo! Time for margaritas! AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS THEN, wink wink." Yeah, Ladiezzz, your margaritas have at least 500 to 600 calories per "margarita," which when you are sharing a pitcher of them using those gigantic 10 or 12 oz. margarita glasses with The Girls, can equal up to 2000 calories alone, or at least 1 hour on the elliptical, reading that week's Us Weekly and not sweating. I guess my point is, I hate the damn hypocritical, stereotypical girl who professes a love for margaritas. They usually mean frozen or flavored cheapass margaritas when they say "I loooooove margaritas! They make me do crazy things!" and once again, ladies, FROZEN MARGARITAS ARE NOT MARGARITAS.

Well, I guess that's it. I compounded those two. But really, man, a margarita is such a great drink, and it has been bastardized, ruined, and destroyed by The Banal.

I can't seem to find the recipe or article I was reading earlier this month about the proper margarita recipe, but it should involve only three ingredients:

100% agave blanco tequila
Fresh lime juice

It should be served up (I prefer a martini glass) and can be lightly salted with coarse salt on the rim if you prefer (I prefer rubbing the lime wedge along the rim, but to each his own).

THAT is a cocktail. Happy drinking!

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