Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Gap

What if Lacuna, Inc. were real? To answer my own question, "When do you stop caring and forget?" I say that though the first half is easier with time and distance, the second is more perplexing. I sometimes think it would be nice to be able to erase completely a hurtful experience to be purged of it forever and eliminate the baggage you bring to your future relationships. But, in reality I know each of our experiences, negative and positive, are part of life and make us better and stronger people. In addition, few things are worse than being blissfully ignorant, and that could not be more true in this instance.

In the interest of being constructive, I know there are lessons to be learned in all of this, and I can even say I am glad it happened. For one thing, I am thankful this happened now and not later when I could have had more invested or to put at risk, for oh my, have important lessons been learned. I need not get into those. But, as for these additional lessons: (2) Don't be so fucking naive. (3) Don't trust people who don't deserve to be trusted. (4) Don't be so goddamn concerned about what other people think of you, in all aspects of life. I mean, fuck that shit, George. (5) Avoid people who show signs that they don't have their shit together or haven't figured themselves out, especially when they apparently have no desire to do so. (6) Always, always be honest, especially about the important things, especially to the people who care for me.

What is particularly upsetting about this entire episode, among other things, is that I do not want to be bitter, and I do not want to assume things of future people that are not there, simply based on the poor, mind-bogglingly irresponsible behavior of people from my past. There is a delicate underpinning to the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." (Or this irresistable version.) However, I will not allow the poor conduct of one person to negatively affect me for years to come. That would be a terrible, terrible thing in itself.

One thing important to remember -- there is a significant difference between the conduct of a person and the person itself. In this case, it is the conduct that was reprehensible, not the person. In fact, it is that dichotomy that is perhaps most maddening.

As with all things, time heals all wounds, and while I feel as though I have been punched in the face, even those wounds heal. Next time, I just better have the gloves up or know when to dodge that punch! Or, learn to avoid the Ring of Dysfunctionality all together (see lesson five, above).

And yes, I promise to stop beating this dead horse and will move on to lighter, more interesting topics. I have completely missed out on commenting on my beloved Olympics (I missed my calling in life as a short-track speedskater, Korean heritage and thunder thighs and all), the Oscars (still haven't seen Capote or Good Night and Good Luck or Crash), and the latest on Georgie boy.


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