Woefully Behind

I am way, way, way behind. So much shit happened in the last month and I had the best intentions to take each thing and write about it and the accompanying thoughts, but that was shot to shit. In sum, in the last 30 days I:

- left my first and only paper pushing job after five years;

- learned a lot about myself and others that I did not think existed;

- celebrated Christmas and New Year's with friends and family (as well as leaving my job after five years, which by the way, leads to lots of drinking);

- enjoyed having no responsibilities or professional worries (Id. on the drinking);

- went to Mexico on my second solo trip (and had a fucking blast);

- puttered around for about 6 days and kind of got used to being home during the day;

- started my new job.

I mean, fuck!

I wish I had written here in a more timely fashion because now there is no way I can avoid revisionist history. For example, I felt so much emotion when I left my old job, and now I feel like I've moved on enough and have seen some true colors of those I left behind that I've kind of entered the "good riddance" stage and am just happy to not be there anymore. It's really too bad, because my firm was a special place with a special group of people. It was just so dark, and leaving the people I've left behind was so dark that I can't help but feel relief and gratitude that I was able to get out. Anyway, that chapter of my life is over, good or bad.

Christmas and New Year's was fun, and I was able to see and spend time with some friends and family I haven't seen in a long time. I caught a horrible cold, which may have been perpetuated by 5 straight days of drinking, staying up late, and hanging out with old friends and family:

Actually, now I do recall one thing about Christmas - I bought myself a real camera as my Christmas gift to myself, thank god.

I went to Cancun for a little while as a little, this is probably the last opportunity I'll have to go on vacation/I'm so happy I have a new job/I've got to go to a warm place trip. I ended up going alone, which initially I was nervous about, but it was seriously one of the best trips I have ever taken. I had just enough time to fuck around, be lazy, relax, read, eat guacamole all the livelong day, eat breakfast along the ocean, wake up to the sound of waves crashing, sightsee, shop, and hang out, and just when I got tired of being by myself, I'd meet some fun people to hang out with and go to the clubs with. It was perfecto. I was a little more cautious than I otherwise would have been because I was totally aware that if I became vulnerable no one was there to help me. I highly recommend that if given the opportunity, you should vacation solo. People are really nice to you, and you can seriously do whatever you want, and people are in great moods when they're on vacation so it's easy to meet friends. I fumbled around with my remedial Spanish, but I think the effort was appreciated and the results were getting upgraded to an ocean view/corner suite and finding great places to buy 100% agave tequila and mezcal. It was fucking awesome, and I really miss it now that we're fully ensconced in dry skin, freezing cold, grey, shitty Chicago weather.

On to the last and least fun: the new job. It's only been a couple of weeks and I'm still adjusting to it. Even stupid things like remembering to get off at Merchandise Mart or taking a left instead of a right when I leave the train station take a while to get used to. It's bigger and more impersonal, but the support system is freaking incredible. These people actually work all day long! It's a little overwhelming. I'm getting used to not speaking to anyone other than my secretary and the superiors I work for and freaking billing every second. I'm just trying really hard not to fuck up and want to make some good impressions right off the bat. I've just now realized that I've started the job I'll probably have for most of my life, if things go the way I hope. At least everyone seems fairly normal, which is not easy to find in this profession. I'm sure I'll find some wackjobs. I just hope I don't have to work for them. The one thing I do have to say is thank god I'm not new to the entire profession anymore. It feels much better to have some sense of confidence in your abilities and experience. HA! Just watch me fuck something up.

Lastly, I've recently received a piece of disturbing news that risks dragging me back a couple of years to probably one fo the darkest times in my life. I actually can't think about it right now because I need to focus on my job and not heading into that downward spiral of darkness and fear and emotional instability. It's taking a lot of self-discipline, but it's like my mind is forcing itself not to go back there. It's kind of an amazing thing, actually. I'm just hoping that when I next write it'll be with a sense of relief and not dread, and I'm trying really, really hard not to waste energy being angry and bitter at the person who caused this. I do have to say, I've also learned a lot about myself and others in the last few months and what I have learned is that people are capable of anything, and we should never take that for granted.