People Suck

Today, after lunch with a friend and some light shopping, I was all prepared to spend a couple of hours decorating my Christmas tree, listening to "A Charlie Brown Christmas," drinking eggnog, putting up my Christmas decorations, and basking in general yuletide cheer. But alas, that will not occur. Some JACKASS STOLE my Christmas tree out of my mutherfuckin' storage locker. Who does that?!?! (yes, I should have locked it, and yes, that shows a sad and uncharacteristic naivete on my part). But REALLY, PEOPLE?! You have to STEAL a Christmas tree out of a condo building storage area!?! Fucker.

Now I have to slog to Target again to buy another tree and a STRONGER MUTHERFUCKIN' LOCK.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My family: awkward, has issues, and a strange bunch of nutjobs in some ways, but I love them very much and am lucky to have them. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Two Posts In A Row!

Because you care (about the two posts in a row, I mean). So this is rare indeed. I have two things to say: 1 is a rant, and 1 is just a comment. First, the rant. I've already complained to everyone within earshot that the early arrival and prevalence of Christmas commercials is shameful. For shame! But the retailers are worried about losing revenue to gas and heating costs, as well as the general feeling of malaise of the nation, so they are aiming their marketing early. That's what America in 2005 is about, right? But why the proliferation of cheesy, ultra-emoting, miky-hued, sepia-toned "Holiday Specials?" Each network is rolling out its versions of the Perfect Holiday Story, featuring stars from their own popular shows, to show Us what the Ideal Christmas is supposed to be like. Blech! It makes me feel so sad, that we somehow lack the ability to express or experience real feeling of love or affection or sadness or whatever for our families, friends, and other people in our lives who Christmas is supposed to make us think about. We need these shows to make us "feel" love? Good god. Blech. Plus it's November 19, people. Let Thanksgiving come first, for the love of god.

Second, I came across a journal that I carried with me in college and after, where I would write down quotes that struck me and would jot down why they struck me. This thing is hilarious. Many of the quotes come from the Bible, which is understandable given my mental state and belief system at the time. The hilarity comes from the fact that I took myself quite seriously. I do think I should begin carrying it around with me again. I certainly was more well-read and thoughtful at the time. Anyway, I found one in particular, which kind of depressed me too, because it was dated April 24, 1997, about 8 years ago. I had just turned 21 and was finishing up my junior year in college. The depressing part is I pretty much feel exactly the same right now. That's some progress there. This may have been about the time when I began to feel that maybe the Religion thing wasn't making much sense to me:

I'm so anxious, depressed, scared, excited, confused. Nothing in particular has happened, life carries on as normal. But I am not myself. Summer stuff, relationship stuff, future stuff, character stuff. Is this what college is? This vague, indefinite feeling that things -- you -- are changing, but you're not sure how, not sure where, not sure how to put it all together. I feel like one day, I will come up with a resolution, but then I shudder at the notion that that day may never come.

OK, easy! I haven't the faintest idea what was tying me up in knots. If I come up with more that I find interesting, I'll post them here. I was clearly a fan of C.S. Lewis, but I'm glad to see that most of the quotes really didn't have much to do with god, but more about love and death. I think I may take up another book of his in the near future.

A Few Things

Short and sweet, a few things I have realized in the last year or so:

(1) I am not a good cook. Try as I might, it just does not come naturally to me.

(2) My friends are important to me. I try to be as good a friend as possible and expect the same in return. But I make adjustments and am harder on some friends than others, and I don't know why that is.

(3) I watch more TV than I am willing to admit. I try to justify it by maintaining that I watch movies on TV more than actual TV shows, and I don't really watch popular shows or network TV. I still refuse Tivo out of principle. But TV is TV, and it kills my brain cells.

(4) Exercising is a form of therapy for me. If I don't exercise, I go nuts. I truly hope I can keep it up for the rest of my life.

(5) Sometimes I really would like to go to a bar by myself and sit at the bar and drink a scotch and just ponder. For some reason, it's OK to sit at a bar while waiting for a friend, which is what I did the other night, which is as close to going to a bar alone that I have come. But there is something more meaningful about going to a bar for the purpose of going to hang out by yourself and enjoy a good drink. But I worry about creepy guys thinking that they can talk to me because I am a woman sitting at a bar by myself. I worry too much. That's another thing I've realized, but I'm trying to keep this at 5. I can't wait until I stop giving a goddamn shit.

STUPIDITY

Good god, sometimes my own stupidity, insensitivity, and lack of awareness is utterly mind boggling. It. Boggles. The. Mind. For someone who fancies herself a person who is both self-aware and aware of those around her and the feelings of those around her, particularly the feelings of those around her for whom she cares very much, I am ashamed of myself. GOD.

Old Friends, New Friends

This is a picture of my friends Kate, Raquel, and I at the Illini Inn in Champaign, Illinois. I don't know who that orange-socked dude looking into the Inn is. An enthusiastic alumnus of the University of Illinois, or a fan of college football I am not, but the point of this picture and this post is to comment on friends and their entry and exit to and from our lives. 6 years ago, when I started graduate school at U of I, I never would have thought I would meet these dear friends, in the context in which I met them, and would have come back as an alum to hang out and enjoy a weekend with them. I only talk to a few people who I considered good friends in college or grad school anymore, though that is really my fault for being bad at keeping in touch. However, it is true that people come in and out of your life for a reason. When they leave, I mourn their loss, but I do so knowing that perhaps the reasons they were there in the first place were not significant enough to withstand time, distance, changes in circumstance, or changes in outlook on life. But does that make them purposeless or pointless, necessarily? No, but it does make the ones I do remain close to that much more priceless.