Sunday, April 30, 2006

La La La Love You

Really, "La, la, la, la, la" is all that is in my head right now and I'm just borrowing from Black Francis. Or Frank Black, or whatever his name is. I've gathered a great deal of excellent advice from a lot of smart people in the last few days, and I've come up with this: Decisions people make are not earth-shattering. You choose one direction and go that way, try not to look back, and adjust as life throws situations at you. Separating emotion out of rational decisionmaking is harder than I thought, though I may attribute part of that to my genitalia. That's an inarticulate way of saying that as a woman, I'm a lot more fucking emotional than I wish I was. There. I said it.

Universally across the board, it seems that people rely upon their gut more than we would think. This sends me on an expedition of wondering what our "gut" is. Exactly what is that instinct? I've talked to several people who have made important decisions solely on that undefinable gut feeling. Generally that gut is the best barometer of knowing what is the "best" decision for you. Is it physiological, genetic, psychological, or based on some innate ability to learn from mistakes and later engage in a sort of subconscious self-defense? Something has always told me that a guy is trouble (well, not always), that a condo is probably not the one for me, that a job is not the right one, that a person is not trustworthy, that maybe I shouldn't walk home from the El by myself tonight. What is it? Probably a combination of all of the above things. And as we get older, I suspect, our gut becomes more and more accurate. I can only hope, anyway. It's fascinating, and worth exploring.

OK I don't have a lot to say except that. I need to go swimming now for the first time in about 8 months, in preparation for a race in oh, three weeks. Hurray!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Here's To Old People

You know what I cannot stand? People who blame everyone and everything else for their problems except themselves. MISTAKES HAPPEN. We are all human. Why is it so hard to take responsibility for yourself? Sheesh.

When am I going to feel like an adult? I have been dealing with a slurry of scarily adult-sounding problems lately, things that deal with being mature and making good choices and knowing my boundaries and recovering from having my trust completely destroyed by someone who didn't deserve it (yeah, I'm over it, thank GOD), and my career and where I want to go with it, and what I am worth in the marketplace, and negotiating that and not taking things personally and all of that shit. Fuck. I just want to know, when is this going to end? When is the whole, learning-important-life-lessons-by-making-mistakes-you-will-never-make-again going to end? I'm exhausted, and I don't even have real problems. Problems like, how am I going to pay for health care and feed myself and my family, and oh gosh, I hope I don't get mugged or raped or shot today, and wow, I have cancer or my spouse is cheating on me, or my child or parent is sick, or I just lost my job. It is all about perspective, I suppose. What a baby I am. In fact, I am very, very blessed.

I guess that's not the point though. I have decisions to make and I just want to make the right one. So when will this end? I know the answer -- NEVER. Didn't some annoying person coin the annoying cliche that life is some kind of goddamn journey? And isn't that why old, wrinkled people are really wise? Here's to old people.

What, oh what am I going to do.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

They Say It's Your Birthday


Isn't this guy cute? No reason; just wanted a picture. He's from New Orleans. I hope he made it out OK.

Well folks, it's time for some obligatory ruminating. If only I had some thoughts about which I have been ruminating. Back when I actually contemplated great literature, I remember loving Tolstoy. One reason why was because he believed that the extraordinary occurs during the most prosaic events. In other words, when you are supposed to be feeling great emotion during a wedding, funeral, birth, or other life-changing, allegedly meaningful event, you don't. Or at least not with the momentousness you expected. On the contrary, sometimes you feel the greatest emotion or engage in the deepest of thoughts during the most ordinary events -- while you are on the el, buying groceries, or having dinner with friends, for example. That is life. That is why when you capture a photograph of a meaningful event (such as a wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.) what stands out years later is not the people and their forced smiles, but rather the newspaper in the background with the headlines of the day, the face of an onlooker, the time captured on a person's watch -- the unplanned. That is the experience of life in its purest form.

At 30 years, this is how I feel -- it's just another day. Given the somewhat emotionally turbulent nature of this year thus far, I'm glad. I'll save my neuroses for every other day of the year. Stay tuned. : )

Friday, April 07, 2006

And The Anvil Goes . . .

THUD. Oh, I am enraged. Enraged, fuming, and insulted. Enraged partially at myself, but mostly at, well, I can't really talk about that. As Mother Park says, everything in life is a lesson to be learned. Fuck.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, dad. Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Where Happiness Lives

What makes us happy? Is achieving happiness the point of our lives? Or is the pursuit of happiness strictly an American virtue that is not a necessary part of life? This general topic has been the subject of a poignant, fascinating book I am reading right now (don't you dare buy the paperback version), recent discussion by Tribune columnist Charles M. Madigan, as well as conversation with a dear, faraway friend. When you put away the computer and shut off the TV and turn off the iPod and put away the BlackBerry and cellphone, why is it so difficult to come up with what it is that makes us happy? Is what makes us happy the same as what brings us pleasure? Are happiness and contentment the same thing? (no).

Sometimes, sometimes you just have to do things that bring you a sense of temporary happiness and pleasure. And there is certainly nothing "wrong" with that, as long as you do not intentionally or with reckless disregard hurt others in the process. I have been wondering lately about the delicate balance between letting myself go to enjoy things that bring me that happiness -- consequences be damned -- and reining myself in an effort to control and tiptoe through my life and the pain it can bring. Truly, I believe that life is not just about pleasure, but life without pleasure is not a life worth living. And far better to experience great joys and great sorrow, than to live a life of comfortable, stable mediocrity.

These simple platitudes do not answer the question, I realize. I think my answers to my own questions are too private for the "Internets," but I know that seeing people I love happy with their lives makes me happy. Experiencing life's pleasures makes me happy. Shit, things as simple as warm, sunny weather and ducks on Lake Michigan and a generous tax return and good sushi and New York City and spontaneous first-class tickets and running with my lovely friends and sharing in all of their joys and accomplishments make me happy, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My health and my job and my home and my youth bring me contentment, and that I am blessed to have all these things is not something that easily escapes me. Some believe that life is an amalgamation of all of these simple pleasures. Perhaps that is enough. But I believe there is a greater, deeper, more lasting happiness that does not involve blind (or should I say blinding) faith in some mystical religion or a dependence on that special someone. I'm just not quite sure how to get there.

And to my dear, faraway friend, I do hope you find your happiness, and I am glad it seems you are on your way.
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